Merely Surviving

While the world sleeps, I lay awake, thinking, dwelling, stressing.  How to make it through another day.  How to keep on going.  How not to give up and despair.

How to learn to merely survive.

Some say to me "Well you make the choice to work, we make the sacrifice to stay at home."  Well, I don't get that luxury of having that choice, of getting to "make that sacrifice."  Instead I have to sacrifice getting to spend time with my children, what I love most in the world, to go to work so I can keep a roof over their heads.

It's not a choice, it's merely surviving. 

It use to be that work was willing to work with us on our schedules, so we worked opposite shifts and we had opposite days off.  But not this year, something has changed.  They say it's all about "business needs."  But I don't understand.  How can it be so important for "business needs" that we have to work one specific shift, that we can't trade with anyone (that does the same job) when that might mean one of us will have to leave and then they won't even have us to work that shift anyways.  Can't they see we need them to work with us?

Can't they see that we are merely surviving?

Everyone is so quick to judge.  "Why isn't their permission slip signed?"  "Why is their homework only half way done?"  "Why isn't this done yet?"  "How could you forget that?"  "Where is their library book?"  Can't they see how many people are pulling me this way and that?  Can't they see how tired I am?

Can't they see that I'm merely surviving?

Over $100 a week for gas, just to go to and from work.  A $200 medical bill, out of nowhere, and that's with insurance.  Someone stole my oldest's phone, it was found in the toilet, $150 to replace.  $1500 a month for childcare, not even for a full five days a week.  Every time I turn around it's costing more and more.  While I'd love for the kids to have new toys at daycare, can't they realize that some of us just can't afford it?

Some of us are merely surviving.

The kids bicker and fight, they talk back and argue.  I ask them to help out, but they always have an excuse.  "I don't know what to do."  "I don't know how."  "I don't know where this goes."  "So and so only has to do that job, while I have to do this!"  "It's not fair."  "I didn't make the mess."  I can choose to waste all day arguing with them about it, and not having it get done in the end.   Or I can just do it myself, but then they never learn to help out.  And even then it's just too much for just one person to do, so it never gets completed.  Can't they see, I need their help?

Can't they see that I'm merely surviving?

My oldest left to go live with his dad.  His real reasons?  I'm not too sure because the reasons he gave weren't true.  Could he be mad at me for leaving his dad?  Could he be mad at me for getting remarried?  Could he be mad at me for having more children?  Could he be mad at me for having to work?  Could he just be mad and I'm a safe target for him to be mad at, since he knows he has my unconditional love?  I miss him so, my heart just aches.  Can't he see I'm doing the best I can?

Can't he see I'm merely surviving?

The days fly by, and they become weeks.
The weeks fly by, and they become months.
The months fly by, and they become years.
The years fly by, and they become lifetimes.  Mine.  My children's.
My children grow and change and I've missed it.  Our lives fly by and are gone in the blink of an eye.

And I've been merely surviving.

I try not to despair.  I push on through, one foot in front of the other, and keep going.  Some days are easier than others. Some harder.  I try to look on the positive side of things and remind myself why I keep going.  I tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end.  That there has to be a happy ending.  That my life is so much more, than:

Merely Surviving.

Back to Work countdown!

Only 5 more days until I go back to work.  I'm almost all prepared.  We all have reusable zipper bags for our lunches and snacks, reusable napkins, reusable drink containers, mason jars, pyrex dishes with lids, etc.  Now to get the food ready to put in them...

...hmmm how to prepare a week worth of healthy food...

My food is easy, I eat the same thing every day.  Oatmeal, grapefruit, egg, smoothie, salad, apple, almonds, veggie sticks or chips, popcorn, and soup, plus something for dessert (usually a healthy cookie or chunk of dark chocolate). 

But what to make for the kids...

They are a little more difficult since I have one off of gluten, another who is a vegetarian, plus I'm trying to make sure they all eat healthy balance meals.  I just feel so overwhelmed looking through all my cookbooks and all the good recipes I've pined on Pinterest.

So far I am thinking:  Mac&Cheese (with broccoli, cauliflower, and rice instead of 'Mac'), Spaghetti (with spaghetti squash as the noodles and spinach in the sauce), Lasagne (with zucchini noodles), Tofu nuggets with veggie fries, and Mini tomato pizzas for dinners.  I'm going to try making waffles for breakfast (last time they got turned into pancakes, but we will see what happens).  PB, Honey & Fruit muffins, granola bar, sliced apple, smoothie, and cookie for lunch, and veggie sticks or chips with guacamole hummus for snack... 

Time to hit the grocery store and then start preparing.  5 more days and counting down...

Operation Smoothies

I have been making daily smoothies for myself for a while now.  JW and SW just discovered this, passed the word to CB and HB, and now they all want to join in.  So we are going to start trying out different smoothie recipes as a family.  I stocked up on 8oz mason jars, chalk board paint, I've ordered an Infantino Squeeze Station and pouches, and we have picked out a few recipes to try.  Tomorrow I will paint the mason jar lids with the chalk board paint (for easy labeling) and go to the store to stock up on the fruits and veggies we need.  Then our adventure will start, a different smoothie each day.

Please step away from the computer!

I started this blog 3 years ago and I did a horrible job keeping it up!  Life just got too crazy (it's that how it always goes?).  First, I went back to work in the spring of 2010 and trying to juggle that and 5 kids was quite the challenge.  Then in August my oldest decided to move across the country to live with his dad (my heart was broken and I felt deeply depressed and hurt).  October came and hit us like a landslide (literally!).  My older daughter was in a rock slide and crushed under a 9000lb rock http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/serrabear   Life seemed to stand still at that point, work was pushed aside, the other kids were sent off to grandparents (which meant I stopped nursing my younger daughter), and all attention was focused on my older daughter and her recovery (which turned out to be miraculous!). 

Now, 3 years later, my older daughter has fully recovered, we have added another baby to the family, I have moved up from an hourly position to a management position, and I've decided to try and start this blog up again. 

Our new little one is almost two months old and I have two more months at home before I go back to work.  In that time I'm trying to work on getting the house, food, and life organized enough that things can run smoothly when I return to work on April 1st.  But I have a big obstacle, the computer.  Facebook, Pinterest, and even the news are just too tempting!  I could (and have) spend all day browsing them and finding neat ideas that I want to do with my family, but then I spend so much time finding more ideas that I then don't have the time to do any of them.  I need to tear myself away from them and get to work before I'm out of time!  I will allow myself some time on the computer to update this blog and some free time to search my favorite sites, but it will be very limited.  Life is too short for me to spend all my time staring at a computer with my back to my family.  So now it's time for me to get off my rear and step away from my computer!