While the world sleeps, I lay awake, thinking, dwelling, stressing. How to make it through another day. How to keep on going. How not to give up and despair.
How to learn to merely survive.
Some say to me "Well you make the choice to work, we make the sacrifice to stay at home." Well, I don't get that luxury of having that choice, of getting to "make that sacrifice." Instead I have to sacrifice getting to spend time with my children, what I love most in the world, to go to work so I can keep a roof over their heads.
It's not a choice, it's merely surviving.
It use to be that work was willing to work with us on our schedules, so we worked opposite shifts and we had opposite days off. But not this year, something has changed. They say it's all about "business needs." But I don't understand. How can it be so important for "business needs" that we have to work one specific shift, that we can't trade with anyone (that does the same job) when that might mean one of us will have to leave and then they won't even have us to work that shift anyways. Can't they see we need them to work with us?
Can't they see that we are merely surviving?
Everyone is so quick to judge. "Why isn't their permission slip signed?" "Why is their homework only half way done?" "Why isn't this done yet?" "How could you forget that?" "Where is their library book?" Can't they see how many people are pulling me this way and that? Can't they see how tired I am?
Can't they see that I'm merely surviving?
Over $100 a week for gas, just to go to and from work. A $200 medical bill, out of nowhere, and that's with insurance. Someone stole my oldest's phone, it was found in the toilet, $150 to replace. $1500 a month for childcare, not even for a full five days a week. Every time I turn around it's costing more and more. While I'd love for the kids to have new toys at daycare, can't they realize that some of us just can't afford it?
Some of us are merely surviving.
The kids bicker and fight, they talk back and argue. I ask them to help out, but they always have an excuse. "I don't know what to do." "I don't know how." "I don't know where this goes." "So and so only has to do that job, while I have to do this!" "It's not fair." "I didn't make the mess." I can choose to waste all day arguing with them about it, and not having it get done in the end. Or I can just do it myself, but then they never learn to help out. And even then it's just too much for just one person to do, so it never gets completed. Can't they see, I need their help?
Can't they see that I'm merely surviving?
My oldest left to go live with his dad. His real reasons? I'm not too sure because the reasons he gave weren't true. Could he be mad at me for leaving his dad? Could he be mad at me for getting remarried? Could he be mad at me for having more children? Could he be mad at me for having to work? Could he just be mad and I'm a safe target for him to be mad at, since he knows he has my unconditional love? I miss him so, my heart just aches. Can't he see I'm doing the best I can?
Can't he see I'm merely surviving?
The days fly by, and they become weeks.
The weeks fly by, and they become months.
The months fly by, and they become years.
The years fly by, and they become lifetimes. Mine. My children's.
My children grow and change and I've missed it. Our lives fly by and are gone in the blink of an eye.
And I've been merely surviving.
I try not to despair. I push on through, one foot in front of the other, and keep going. Some days are easier than others. Some harder. I try to look on the positive side of things and remind myself why I keep going. I tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end. That there has to be a happy ending. That my life is so much more, than:
Merely Surviving.
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